ASD diagnosis and Parental grief 

When parents learn their child has autism, they often experience a deep sense of loss—fearing their child may never develop as they once hoped. This reaction is not just sadness, but a powerful surge of emotions: fear, disbelief, and grief. The grief parents feel is often compared to mourning a loved one, echoing the process outlined in Attachment Theory, which explains how strong emotional bonds lead to intense grief when disrupted (Bretherton, 1992).

Loss of expectations and Grief
The bonds parents form with their children are rooted in security and safety; they are not just emotional—they’re biological. When parents lose their expectations about their child’s future, their reactions—crying, anger, yearning—are survival mechanisms, meant to restore the lost connection (Bowlby, 1980). Here is what a mother might typically experience when first finding out:

"When my child was diagnosed with autism, it felt like the ground dropped out from under me. I cycled through sadness, anger, guilt, and anxiety—sometimes all in one day. It was hard to sleep, my appetite changed, and I found myself pulling away from friends and family. Even though these feelings were overwhelming, they weren’t exactly depression—they kept coming back every time I was reminded of how different things would be from now on).

Physically, I felt exhausted all the time. My chest would tighten up, and even small noises seemed to get under my skin. Sometimes, I couldn’t believe this was really happening. I’d go through periods of denial, confusion, and constant worry about my child’s future.

I changed my routines and started avoiding people and conversations that might bring up the diagnosis. I even found myself dodging situations where I’d have to talk about autism at all. How long this grief lasted—and how strong it felt—really depended on what kind of support we had, how severe my child’s needs were, and how close I felt to them. Sometimes, I felt even more guilt and anger because my feelings about parenting were so mixed."

The Adaptation Process

Adapting to a diagnosis is a journey, not a single event. Four main tasks define this process:

1. Accepting the reality: Parents must face the fact their child has a neurological difference. Denial is common—some may downplay the diagnosis or its impact, delaying assessment and therapy.
2. Processing emotional pain: Allowing oneself to feel sadness, anger, or loss helps, though some communities discourage open grieving.
3. Adjusting to new roles: Parents may have to develop new skills and routines, which can challenge their self-image and sense of competence.
4. Emotionally relocating: Parents need to form a new, ongoing relationship with their child, while still moving forward with their own lives (Worden, 2009).

Complicated Adaptation
Sometimes, the grieving process stalls or becomes overwhelming, leading to chronic, delayed, exaggerated, or masked grief. This may be triggered by multiple simultaneous losses, personal history, personality factors, or lack of support and resources (Shear, 2015). Therapy focusses on resolving these stuck points, sometimes by revisiting earlier or unresolved losses.

Healthy Adaptation
Adaptation is considered healthy when parents can find pleasure again, take on new roles, and think about their child without overwhelming pain, though moments of sadness may still arise (Worden, 2009).

How our psychologists can help

Psychologists can play a crucial role in supporting parents and families after a child is diagnosed with autism. Here’s how they can help, with research-backed approaches and references:

1. Provide Psychoeducation 
Our psychologists can help parents understand what autism is, what it isn’t, and what to expect. They help dispel myths, explain the range of possible outcomes, and help families set realistic expectations (Karst & Van Hecke, 2012). This reduces fear and uncertainty, and empowers parents to make informed decisions.

2. Offer Emotional Support and Grief Counselling
Receiving an autism diagnosis can trigger grief, anxiety, guilt, anger, and depression. We can provide a non-judgmental space for parents to process these emotions, using evidence-based grief counselling techniques and teaching coping strategies that help normalise these feelings.

3. Strengthen Coping Skills
Therapists teach parents skills for managing stress and emotional overload. This might include mindfulness, cognitive-behavioral tools for reframing negative thoughts, and relaxation exercises.

4. Facilitate Family Communication and Adjustment
A diagnosis can strain marriages and family relationships. Psychologists can work with the whole family to improve communication, resolve conflicts, navigate new roles, and foster resilience.

5. Support Behavior Management and Parenting Strategies
Psychologists can teach parents positive behavior support strategies, help them respond to challenging behaviors, and set up effective routines at home. They can also coach parents in using evidence-based interventions tailored to their child’s needs.

6. Identify and Treat Mental Health Issues
If a parent develops depression, anxiety, or experiences prolonged grief, psychologists can provide individual therapy or refer to a psychiatrist if needed. Early intervention prevents long-term problems.

7. Advocate for the Family
If neded, we can help advocate for the child and family within schools, healthcare systems, and the broader community, ensuring that the child’s needs are met and that parents’ voices are heard.

Updated on:   19/02/2026 by: Dr. Jacques Duff – BA Psych; Grad Dip Psych; PhD; MAPS; MECNS; MAAAPB; MISNR; FANSA
Reviewed on: 23/02/2026 by: Bernard Ferriere - BA; Grad Dip App Psych; Dip Clinical Hypnosis; FCCP; MAPS; MASH; Clinical Psychologist